Quickies part 2

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
In aviation terms, it could indicate that the pilot was turning Base for a landing on 04 at Stansted, but where's the humour in that?
OWKAY. . . I asked the sender to explain the 'Humour' and he said. . ."His Missus used to jump into the Landy and drive to the next station to pick him up from Flight training in a (Piper Warrior) He tried to use aviation parlance in his text messages as it was all part of the magic of being a trainee Aviator (?) amd Wifey played along.

(He had completed 18 hours of training without crashing and dying and was lovin' it. . .)

I pasted the text of what I had posted here and he told me that I was a C### and had got it all wrong. It was his younger Brother who was having the lessons but he didn't say where, and although I know where Bish Stort is, I award you A+ for research in noticing that it is close to Stansted Airport. RYANAIR call it london ( Stansted ). . .although it would cost you a bloody fortune in a taxi to get to the central smoke. . But Michael O'Leary of Ryanair is a well known A$$hole. . . .He flies to some joint 67 Kilometres from Paris by road. . ., but still calls it 'PARIS' . . .

I asked him what the original text actually said then,. . but he line went dead, so we'll never know if He's suspended on base for some runway or other . . .Stansted is Immigrant Import Central BTW,. . Duno why, but there it is. . .

Nobody ever asks the meaning of the jokes that I invent myself. . .. . . ( sobs )
 

willedoo

Well-Known Member
One for the computer nerds, apologies if it's been posted before:

A systems programmer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot starts squawking "Arrrgh, pieces of nine, pieces of nine!"
The bartender turns to the programmer and says "Mate, what's wrong with that bird?".
The programmer responds "He's ok, it's just a parroty error"
The bartender replies, "Ah, I thought he was a bit off."
 

red750

Well-Known Member

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons ?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is Dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes ?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination ?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow​
 

red750

Well-Known Member
And more-



Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control ?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the Male side. These are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it's like camping.
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
Internet post from a Scottish friend. . . ( Any Expat Scots on here ? )

Although I am a Scot and will be celebrating Burns Night, I won't be celebrating all things Scottish I'm afraid.

Things on my list not to celebrate:

The Scottish National Party
Deep fried pizza
Deep fried Mars Bars
'Genuine' Scottish shortbread biscuits
Munchie boxes
"You'll have had your tea"
The Nanny State messages on Scottish motorway gantry signs "Plaque Kills! Brush Your Teeth"
Road signs in Gaelic
Catholic - Protestant bigotry
The obsession with football
Small minded parochialism
Square sausage
Midges
Horizontal rain
Hating the English
Salt and sauce on chips
Stuck up Edinburgh people
In yer face Glasgow people
The Scottish National Party
Nil nil draws between Stenhousemuir and Brechin City

I'm sure I'll think of some more later.
 
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red750

Well-Known Member
1 Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
~~~~~
2 Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto ! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls !
~~~~~
3 Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England .
~~~~~
4 If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
~~~~~
5 They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
~~~~~
6 Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
~~~~~
7 63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
 

red750

Well-Known Member
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:


COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00




Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.








She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide,
knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,


“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,


“Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,


“Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
 
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