Quickies part 2

red750

Well-Known Member
#26
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice...

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
#28
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."


"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice...

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

Reminds me about that bloke Dickie Napoleon,. . . .

Changed his name to Willie Nelson. . .
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#32
TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2018

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another.

I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#35
Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what? I'm tired of drifting through life without a real education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go down to that TAFE College and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Jim goes to the TAFE and a helpful lady in Admissions says she'll sign him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The young lady says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the young lady says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet." she says.
"Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual." says Jim.
"That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"
Excited to take the class now, Jim thanks the young lady at Admissions and leaves to meet Bob at the pub.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "Well Bob, I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"No."
"Then you're a poofter."

 

red750

Well-Known Member
#36
Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.




After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.




Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.




Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.




The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,

'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.




A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.

'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than

an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing

known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom,

but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I **** meself!!



'Wally is now working at an Aldi near you”





 

red750

Well-Known Member
#37
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25.
Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#38
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#39
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on
through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#40
BECOMING A SENIOR

Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"
 
Top Bottom