Quickies part 2

red750

Well-Known Member
#41
Out of the mouths of 3rd graders

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#44
Amazing fact
  1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    And;
    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
    The amazing fact is the higher you go in the corporate structure, the
    smaller your balls become.
There must be a sh!t load of people in Canberra playing marbles.
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
#48
A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."


"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
#49
I cannot believe how things are breaking down in this damn country . . .


I saw my neighbour slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out,


He said he’d just been through a rough patch.. . .
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#50
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.
What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#51
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
 

red750

Well-Known Member
#54
Ponder these imponderables.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
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8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
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10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
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15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
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16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning
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18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
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19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
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21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
 

hihosland

Active Member
#55
There was an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but he had aged and could no longer remember his lines.

After many years, he finds himself in the Globe Theatre in London, where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is a most important part, but luckily it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"

The Irish actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the bloody rose!"











 

red750

Well-Known Member
#56
One for the golfers.

Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.
"Anything the matter mate?" asked Charlie.
"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied. "He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to improve your game," Charlie soothed.
"Yeah, but I was standing at the urinal at the time."
 

kgwilson

Active Member
#57
Vacancy at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man or this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!'
 
#60
I can never understand why people get frightened trying to spell long words. All you have to do, is split the word up into short sections. For example, "physio - the - rapist". Easy!
 
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